Archive for the ‘cats’ Category

Bad Meat Blues

Bad Meat Blues

Cheap meat chunks hurl down dark drains

Cramping on ceramic swearing never again

If it walks like a duck and if it smells like a fish

If it costs half a fuck magic bean dream wish

This is no bargain peppersteak dish

It’s the Bad Meat Blues

It’s the Bad Meat Blues

It’s the Bad Fuckin’ Meat Blues for who’s

Ever stupid enough to swallow the crap

That The Cat that launched a thousand plate raids

Loves a bad Chinese meal bin invade

Now can’t find the inclination to air a nose near

Full on tail flick feline disdain steer clear

Of the Bad Meat Blues

It’s the Bad Meat Blues

It’s the Bad Fuckin’ Meat Blues it brews

Nasty gastrointestinal drive-thru spews

Crusting to the innards of the bowl

So crawl & mince & bone & roll

Retch retch against the dying of the light

Bad Meat Blues uptight gut night


Morning, all.

Wake up.
Resent waking up- check time to see if there’s any chance of sleeping a little more.
Get up. Get dressed. Put kettle on.
Talk to cat. Pet cat. Feed cat if necessary (cat always thinks it’s necessary).
Brush teeth.
Make tea.
Roll cigarette.
Drink tea. Smoke cigarette. Scan news without taking it in.
Feel terror. Horrible fucking awful tight chested panicky terror.
Sweat alcohol.
Go to the toilet. Wash hair.
Tell mirror that this is the absolute worst feeling lowest part of the week-
it can only get better from here.
Try to believe that.
Check eyes for bloodshottery.
Finish tea. Put kettle on again, if there’s time.
Take sandwich out of fridge or make a sandwich or fuck the damn sandwich.
Put coat on.
Turn radio on. Insert headphones.
Say goodbye.

My Cat Is In Heat

My cat is in heat.


The whole place reeks and I haven’t a wink for weeks.

She’s not my furry friend right now; she’s just a seedy creep.

Oh Christ! Where’d she go this time?

Shagging my shoes probably, or screaming off the balcony.

Quick! Close that door- she’s headed for the laundry!

She won’t shut up! Is there any more wine?

Maybe we could make some sort of gag from a ball of twine?

Damn! She tried to wake me up by pissing on my head.

If I weren’t such a pussy, little Bastet would be dead.

My cat is in heat, but then it’s through no fault of hers.

If she were her she’d rather hop up here and have a purr.

When will this be over? Where the hell’s my pet?

Indoor cat or not, she’s going out to meet the V.E.T.