Posts Tagged ‘doggerel’


Percy Bysshe caught a monster fish,

And he brought it home to Mary.

Said she, “I just wrote Frankenstein,

Your foolish fish don’t scare me.”


The Fuck

Who fucked it?
My generation?
Your generation?
The Who’s generation?
The ones who want salvation?
Who cares, really, who?
Michael Jackson & McDonald’s
And your goddamn stupid wedding
Fucked it.
Every soul who didn’t stroll,
Got in a car or a plane instead of a train
The barrista fucked it too,
Serving you.
Me and my booze fucked it.
Existentialist fucking analysts fucked it.
Fuck it.
I’m writing fuckalot.
Fuck that too.
No, really, we love superglue.
It binds shit together,
Just like it was new.
And sitcoms and sometimes
A trip to the zoo;
And movies and art,
That sometimes get through
To the part that thinks FUCK
And says “Hey, fuck you too.”

Das Krapital

We have simple solutions to complex problems,
And special offers on shop-soiled pogroms.
Loved up teens, drugged up queens,
Unspeakable, uneatable tins of killer beans.

There’s an imperfect present and an irregular past,
A melted sugar daddy with his trousers at half mast.
Former suffragettes smoking menthol cigarettes,
Ramekins, mandarins, a pixie and some elves.

We have a bust of Nero fiddling with his fiddle while Rome burned,
And the orchestra that played while the Titanic nudged her ‘berg.
Libertarian librarians, over eager with their stamps,
And a lovely Lux Interior, really rather good with Cramps.

Our prices really must be perceived to be believed,
And the invisible ink they’re written in is marvellous indeed.
We’ve got magpies in all numbers to cover every known event,
Endorsed by the office of births, marriages & deaths.

Imaginary sanitary towels for transvestites and
Computers made of pewter that are loved by all the luddites.
Solicitors and barristers- briefs of the utmost brevity,
Greek grammars which, admittedly, won’t provide much levity.

Mills and pieces, bits of weevils, olde timey handloom weavers,
Machines for executions and penal codes for beavers.
We have principal objections against the introduction
Of all the aforementioned and a vacuum with no suction.



The symbols of majority fall behind
the changes in the nature of maturity.
So, securing a secured loan
is seen as a sign that you are grown,
In an age when letting is utterly logical.

My Cat Is In Heat

My cat is in heat.


The whole place reeks and I haven’t a wink for weeks.

She’s not my furry friend right now; she’s just a seedy creep.

Oh Christ! Where’d she go this time?

Shagging my shoes probably, or screaming off the balcony.

Quick! Close that door- she’s headed for the laundry!

She won’t shut up! Is there any more wine?

Maybe we could make some sort of gag from a ball of twine?

Damn! She tried to wake me up by pissing on my head.

If I weren’t such a pussy, little Bastet would be dead.

My cat is in heat, but then it’s through no fault of hers.

If she were her she’d rather hop up here and have a purr.

When will this be over? Where the hell’s my pet?

Indoor cat or not, she’s going out to meet the V.E.T.


Did dolphins dream up origin myths

of fluid deities who proclaimed through

whistles, burst-pulsed sounds and clicks?

Did dolphins recite epic tales

of ancient heroes so severe

that, hearing, little whales might feel a little bit afraid?

Or, buoyed up by legend, did they ever get it wrong?

“Porpoise pogrom  ’43. Son, I hope you’ll never see

sight nor likes of that. Please god those days are gone.”

Did dolphins dream up origin myths

Vague enough, though much believed?

Don’t dolphins deal in Trojan Fish?