Posts Tagged ‘silly’


I tried to be an author once.

I chain- smoked cigarettes and didn’t pay my gambling debts

I Nursed a drinking problem, watched it blossom by the bottle.

I wrote a bad novella in which everybody dies

I pretended not to care about award and praise and prize.

I cut back on exposition, wrote about a magic kitten.

But the bastards wouldn’t buy the book; they called it overwritten.

Now, in the red and all unread I have to earn to make the rent

There’s little that I’m trained to do… except teach writing tricks to you.




What Really Happened to Schroedinger’s Cat?

What nobody outside the box, particularly Schrodinger himself, could have anticipated is that something unexpected- totally outside the intentions of the experiment- was happening to the cat.
The radiation, far from killing him, had actually set him free. Of course Mittens (that was the cat’s name) had no conception of what was happening to him. All he knew was that one minute he was trapped in a box, and the next he was free. He also knew that he was hungry.

Cats are by nature resourceful animals, and Mittens was no different. He quickly found a family that was willing to give him a berth. Unfortunately the family perished shortly afterwards from radiation poisoning, which was something of an inconvenience. This was a pattern that would repeat itself with disconcerting regularity over the years. Thus it was that Mittens was destined to lead a somewhat transient lifestyle, which he found fitted his temperament like a glove.

Das Krapital

We have simple solutions to complex problems,
And special offers on shop-soiled pogroms.
Loved up teens, drugged up queens,
Unspeakable, uneatable tins of killer beans.

There’s an imperfect present and an irregular past,
A melted sugar daddy with his trousers at half mast.
Former suffragettes smoking menthol cigarettes,
Ramekins, mandarins, a pixie and some elves.

We have a bust of Nero fiddling with his fiddle while Rome burned,
And the orchestra that played while the Titanic nudged her ‘berg.
Libertarian librarians, over eager with their stamps,
And a lovely Lux Interior, really rather good with Cramps.

Our prices really must be perceived to be believed,
And the invisible ink they’re written in is marvellous indeed.
We’ve got magpies in all numbers to cover every known event,
Endorsed by the office of births, marriages & deaths.

Imaginary sanitary towels for transvestites and
Computers made of pewter that are loved by all the luddites.
Solicitors and barristers- briefs of the utmost brevity,
Greek grammars which, admittedly, won’t provide much levity.

Mills and pieces, bits of weevils, olde timey handloom weavers,
Machines for executions and penal codes for beavers.
We have principal objections against the introduction
Of all the aforementioned and a vacuum with no suction.


Morning, all.

Wake up.
Resent waking up- check time to see if there’s any chance of sleeping a little more.
Get up. Get dressed. Put kettle on.
Talk to cat. Pet cat. Feed cat if necessary (cat always thinks it’s necessary).
Brush teeth.
Make tea.
Roll cigarette.
Drink tea. Smoke cigarette. Scan news without taking it in.
Feel terror. Horrible fucking awful tight chested panicky terror.
Sweat alcohol.
Go to the toilet. Wash hair.
Tell mirror that this is the absolute worst feeling lowest part of the week-
it can only get better from here.
Try to believe that.
Check eyes for bloodshottery.
Finish tea. Put kettle on again, if there’s time.
Take sandwich out of fridge or make a sandwich or fuck the damn sandwich.
Put coat on.
Turn radio on. Insert headphones.
Say goodbye.

Holy War




Buddah bitter better batter



Did dolphins dream up origin myths

of fluid deities who proclaimed through

whistles, burst-pulsed sounds and clicks?

Did dolphins recite epic tales

of ancient heroes so severe

that, hearing, little whales might feel a little bit afraid?

Or, buoyed up by legend, did they ever get it wrong?

“Porpoise pogrom  ’43. Son, I hope you’ll never see

sight nor likes of that. Please god those days are gone.”

Did dolphins dream up origin myths

Vague enough, though much believed?

Don’t dolphins deal in Trojan Fish?