Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


Percy Bysshe caught a monster fish,

And he brought it home to Mary.

Said she, “I just wrote Frankenstein,

Your foolish fish don’t scare me.”




Leonardo Damon’s Long Weekend

Suckin' Diesel!

Leonardo Damon’s Long Weekend


Leonardo Damon woke up feeling awful, a feeling that could not wholly be accounted for by the empty whiskey bottle lying on the floor beside him. Then he saw the tin foil lying on the floor beside the empty whiskey bottle. It had been a heavy night. He raised his head and looked around the room. Nobody. They’d gone while he was asleep, thank god. His mother used to say about guests that it was nice to see them come but, by god, it was nice to see them go too. It was even nicer not to see them go, he thought.

He pulled himself up onto his elbow and threw up all over one of the old loafers that he wore for work. His ex was visiting her mother with the kids this weekend, or at least he thought it was this weekend, which…

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Help the Greek People to Help Themselves

Help the Greek People.

Check out this amazing idea (not my idea, I just came across it and thought the least I could do was help draw attention to it).

All this dithering over Greece is getting boring. European ministers flexing their muscles and posturing over whether they can help the Greek people of not. Why don’t we the people just sort it instead?

The European Union is home to 503 million people, if we all just chip in a few Euro then we can get Greece sorted and hopefully get them back on track soon. Easy.

A Damn Poem

Here’s a damn poem

I wish it was good

I wash that it could

And maybe I would

If it weren’t for the noises

That say that it should

Fuck them damn noises

It is what it is and

Screw all the voices

We’ll schlep through the muck


What Really Happened to Schroedinger’s Cat?

What nobody outside the box, particularly Schrodinger himself, could have anticipated is that something unexpected- totally outside the intentions of the experiment- was happening to the cat.
The radiation, far from killing him, had actually set him free. Of course Mittens (that was the cat’s name) had no conception of what was happening to him. All he knew was that one minute he was trapped in a box, and the next he was free. He also knew that he was hungry.

Cats are by nature resourceful animals, and Mittens was no different. He quickly found a family that was willing to give him a berth. Unfortunately the family perished shortly afterwards from radiation poisoning, which was something of an inconvenience. This was a pattern that would repeat itself with disconcerting regularity over the years. Thus it was that Mittens was destined to lead a somewhat transient lifestyle, which he found fitted his temperament like a glove.

Das Krapital

We have simple solutions to complex problems,
And special offers on shop-soiled pogroms.
Loved up teens, drugged up queens,
Unspeakable, uneatable tins of killer beans.

There’s an imperfect present and an irregular past,
A melted sugar daddy with his trousers at half mast.
Former suffragettes smoking menthol cigarettes,
Ramekins, mandarins, a pixie and some elves.

We have a bust of Nero fiddling with his fiddle while Rome burned,
And the orchestra that played while the Titanic nudged her ‘berg.
Libertarian librarians, over eager with their stamps,
And a lovely Lux Interior, really rather good with Cramps.

Our prices really must be perceived to be believed,
And the invisible ink they’re written in is marvellous indeed.
We’ve got magpies in all numbers to cover every known event,
Endorsed by the office of births, marriages & deaths.

Imaginary sanitary towels for transvestites and
Computers made of pewter that are loved by all the luddites.
Solicitors and barristers- briefs of the utmost brevity,
Greek grammars which, admittedly, won’t provide much levity.

Mills and pieces, bits of weevils, olde timey handloom weavers,
Machines for executions and penal codes for beavers.
We have principal objections against the introduction
Of all the aforementioned and a vacuum with no suction.